Justa Jook Guest Opinion

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On New Year’s Day, it is customary to reflect upon accomplishments and failures of the past year, with an eye toward future goals and resolutions. Although the traditional April date has long been usurped by another, primarily due to media hype and a more extensively-funded public relations campaign, there are those of us who still cling to our time-honored traditions, and our accomplishments in the past year have been truly remarkable.

The 2000-foot rule reigns as our crowning achievement of 2005. With this remarkable legislation, we have succeessfully protected our schools, parks and daycares from dangerous pedophiles. In the near future we intend to re-visit the failed amendments keeping children away from them as well. But it should be noted that passage of any of these new measures is not anticipated, as they would likely merely serve to clutter an otherwise concise bit of legislation.

2005 also saw the inception of our new campaign in the war against illegal narcotics and organized crime. Specifically, cigarettes have been identified as the new “gateway drug” through which millions of our young children become enslaved to illicit narcotics. We used this link to justify funding the legislation to institute a new tax on cigarette purchases through our anti-methamphetemine federal grant. In light of these findings, we have commissioned a study to determine the pathway by which video-game playing acts as a direct link to the seedy underworld of mafia-hit men. We are confident that by the study’s end, we will be able to conclusively show that a majority of mafia hit-men between the ages of twenty and thirty-five are former video-game players. This will be our first step in acquiring the funds needed to tax or ban these “gateway” activities.

But not all our efforts in 2005 met with such a stunning success. Specifically, the efforts to revitalize our economy with an indoor tropical rainforest have proved nearly fruitless. Pun intended, of course. Despite numerous public opinion articles and support from some of the most brilliant minds in the state, the public remains sadly misinformed and recalcitrant about this project. That said, all is not lost. We have identified four cities which seem capable of supporting a project of this magnitude. While Tiffin, Grinnell, Pella and Riverside may not be the largest cities in Iowa, our statistics have shown this will actually benefit the project. Let me explain. The rainforest project is estimated to bring in well over a gagillion people per week. Employees necessary to handle that volume of traffic will number in the gabillions. While to some it may be premature to look at these attendance figures, we feel it prudent to take capacity into account at the earliest stages of construction, when it is most cost-effective. The four remaining sites all have sufficient room to construct the required number of hotels, restaurants, banks, waterslides, and paperclip factories that will be vital to the smooth operation of the project. However, because acquiring the funding to support the infrastructure necessary for all these people will be a long and arduous process, we have decided to conserve our resources by requiring the cities still interested in housing our project to raise at least $25 million dollars before we enter into our own fundraising campaign. This will allow our fundraisers to rest from the rigid deadlines we had been imposing upon them with the unrealistic adoption of that most impossible goal of raising $100 tangible dollars from any private investor whatsoever.

As you can see, 2005 has been an interesting year. We have tasted success, and wept over heartbreak. But we take up our banner and trudge forward into 2006 with joyful hearts. Remember, today is your day.

Reach Justa Jook, High Poohbah and Chief Fuuuul of the Julian Calendare Supporte Groupe, at anonymousnameless1@yahoo.com.

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